WWF 110: Is Your Therapist a Not-So-Covert Narcissist?

Peak weirdness happened in my Zoom therapy session last week. ​

As I was retelling my dream my therapist fell asleep.

When he awoke he shared his dream and asked what I thought.

His dream: He’s leaning over a reflecting pool staring at an image of himself while giant narcissi dance like Radio City Rockettes nearby.

I took a few notes and told him I thought he needed professional help.

He grinned, popped a few pills, checked his watch, and yawned. “Let’s set up a time next week. To discuss your recurring abandonment issues.”

“What?” I mumbled.

“Did my falling asleep while you droned on about your sad little dream trigger your unresolved childhood abandonment issues?”

“I don’t understand,” I lied.

“We know you were psychologically abandoned by your mother at a young age and the rage you feel toward her you’re projecting onto me. Here’s the thing: I’m not your mother and your subconscious would put a lot of people to sleep.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“It’s been a long day and I haven’t been getting much sleep,” he said, “so it makes perfect sense I took a little nap. You seem angry. Are you angry?”

I was too upset to admit I wanted to gut him like a catfish. FFS how could my therapist, who I pay good money to, fall asleep while I’m sharing my darkest secrets, and then wake up and ask me to analyze his boring over-the-top narcissistic dream? Instead I lied and said, “Um no I’m feeling more like a gratitude vibe ...”

He raised one perfectly plucked mahogany-tinted eyebrow. “Go on.”

I cleared my throat. “You trusted me enough to fall asleep on me and then felt comfortable enough to blame me for it! That’s a level of trust I haven’t had for a while, not since I was married. So yeah cool.”

He smiled. “You’re making progress,” he said jotting down a grocery list. “What time next week?”

We set a time but I knew I’d ghost the jerk and never bare my boring psyche with him again.

Why pay a professional to fuck with my head when I get can it for free anytime?

So I’m struggling with quarantine insanity and intermittent depression (who isn’t?), it’s no excuse to throw good money at a not-so-covert-narcissistic therapist.

I’ll be fine, I told myself. Just need to find another therapist. Preferably an older woman with unkempt eyebrows. Then I’ll feel safe.

Hey: Is your therapist a closet narcissist? Promise I won’t fall asleep reading your comments.

Didi Balle